1. |
Square One (12 AM)
02:16
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I don't believe in anything, no I don't.
I don't believe in anything - not even me.
It's hard to see the light
when you close your eyes tight.
So no I don't and no I won't
believe in anything.
I am afraid of everything, yes I am.
I am afraid of everything, including love.
As much as I want tonight
to wrap you up and call you mine,
I just can't move one inch towards you.
I am so afraid.
When I open my mouth words do come out
but my conviction is lost.
I started this whole thing to jumpstart my heartstrings
but I am so ambivalent.
I am apathetic but refuse to quit.
My mind is a chaos, warzone, conflict.
My mind is a chaos, warzone - because I have
10,000 thoughts per second, spanning human eternal tides
from the books I've read to the things I've said.
What's a girl to do?
Every question answered is another 50 questions
leading up to nothing but the fleeting quench of satisfaction,
leading to neurosis, leading to epiphany, leading to depression dark and deep.
'Til I pick myself back up again,
'til I close my eyes and start again
I cannot get through.
I just wanna be a part of something true.
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2. |
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I think I'm gonna leave you now -
Please don't hate me!
At least not much more than I hate myself.
Don't know what I want, but
surely it's not this -
Honeymoon has come and gone.
Oh, it is gonna feel real good
once I get it out -
Off my chest. I'm ready for this.
Had a little feeling
but it's long gone.
Read more @ roeknowsbest.wordpress.com
'Cause I don't know what I'm doing
and I don't know where I'm going.
Navigating
through trials
and gravity.
And I don't know the right thing
apart
from the wrong thing.
I just need a place to rest my weary head.
How weightless the Earth does seem
simply floating.
Big blue marble in the light.
Things that held importance quite some time ago -
All is changed, all is different now.
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3. |
Hello Jello (2 AM)
03:21
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Hello, hello consciousness.
I take two hits and then I split.
Half the reasons I'm like this
is cuz I'm always givin' in.
Hello. Jello. Moviestar.
How I wonder what you are.
You are in my head,
you are in my jar.
I'm a lotus petal,
though I don't float too far...
Everything is relative,
everything is quite subjective,
multi-faceted,
overwhelming to admit.
The energy going up my back
is hitting something, and it feels like tacks
swirling around underwater.
Kind of like a breeze, kind of like it knows me...
Kind of interesting -
Bring a ballpoint pen to my lips
so that I can chew on the tip.
It just don't make sense this oxygen
so why's it gotta be like this?
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4. |
Morphine Sheets (3 AM)
01:58
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It's 3AM and I'm fidgeting with my to-do list.
Feel like crying just a little.
But I'm trying not to feel down
or wake up my whole house.
And in case you haven't heard,
I ain't got no wheels.
Now it's harder for my to get around,
but I guess it's kind of nice.
Cuz some days staying home just feels right.
Some nights my flannel sheets just feel right.
They keep me warm at night.
(While I sit through)
Sirens, tornadoes, and arguments.
Pots and pans, and speakerphone dialing.
(Hello, hello, hello?)
But I could care less about the world out my window.
These sheets are morphine and I'm comfortable
pretending I'm 30 feet below.
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5. |
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I made it! I made it!
This is the finality of summer -
So where am I?
Responding to your tweet
across oceans, telephone wires -
You listening?
You're halfway across the world.
Do you even exist?
I'm not sure what it's like,
but I imagine when I close my eyes.
Why was it so easy to wake up this late - or early?
I suppose it was meant to be.
I suppose it was meant to be.
I suppose it was meant to be.
Serendipity...serendipity.
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6. |
In / Out (5 AM)
03:20
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Get so upset at death -
It's like nothing else is left.
No one's gonna make it out alive.
What if that's the only way out (What if that's the only way out)?
Work with me here.
Oh, but I never wanna wake up again...
I never wanna open my eyes.
I came in cold and I'll go out the same.
In and out
of coherence.
Why subject myself to these conditions?
This can't be true...
oh but my lacerated heart tells me otherwise.
Oh my God, this hurts...
Oh my God - but I won't cry -
What
went
wrong?
So desensitized, so desensitized
it don't hurt to be stepped on from all sides.
Cuz that's what it feels like.
I cannot go on like this.
Oh, but I never wanna wake up again.
I never wanna wake up at all.
The world is too small, anyway.
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7. |
Unreachable You (6 AM)
02:47
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I'm gonna tuck on, tune in right after this.
Gonna inject myself with dream powder.
As I think of the choices I haven't made,
my mind couldn't be louder.
One pathway blocked. Unreachable you.
Plane went down - it's an oversight.
I'm gonna be the best human of the year.
I'm gonna smile and get shit right.
How could I ever be on my own
when you are my backbone?
As I go back and forth and side to side,
don't take the violence personal.
Watch me soar!
Watch me bust!
Watch me turn out the light...
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8. |
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As I remove the junk from my eyes
and the dry from my mouth,
I am sitting up in bed
but I'd rather be passed out.
The house is the quietest I've ever known.
My brain is coming down from a dream episode
where I learned
no matter how hard I try to scream,
sometimes the words won't leave.
Flipped over on my stomach.
I'm most comfortable here
where I can wiggle and writhe
and just disappear into the mattress...
I have the best intentions for today.
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9. |
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Today, I woke to footsteps on my roof.
It was probably some animal and I am not amused.
In my half-wakened state I thought, "Wouldn't it be funny if St. Nick came a whole month early?"
What would we even do? Change our dates and our parade routes?
But only madness would ensue. Only madness would ensue.
'Cause today is a holiday of capitalistic tendencies.
And corporate America's got a hard-on for money
(Money, money, money)
Merry Christmas, enjoy your shopping.
Enjoy your killer deals
and picking fights with soccer moms in the discount rack.
Oh, I don't mean to go off track.
But I think I'll stay home today.
A train whistle in the distance.
I wonder where it comes from
but I think Bloomfield
(It would only make sense)
I like trains. I take them twice a week
to Midtown Manhattan in attempts to move on from my past life
from the student shell I was -
Now it's time to be a person
(And I've never felt so ready)
I am diving in headfirst.
I'm diving in.
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10. |
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I could be waiting.
You could be spying through the lens of my computer.
Perfect lines, humidity, raised voices float up to my bedroom...
I am going to be late today, I am going to be late today.
I am going to be late today, but I don't care.
Could have slept in all morning, no reason to get up (get up, get up)
Don't know what to wear, so blankets should do just fine like
Crooked lines, humidity, raised voices float up to my bedroom...
I am going to be late today, I am going to be late today.
I am going to be late today, but I don't care.
Nervously scribbling along. I want to miss my train.
Hair is disheveled just like my brain.
You say you're really sick and hey, hell I believe you.
Could be karma creeping up on your hypocritical truth.
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11. |
Karate Chop (10 AM)
02:53
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Quick, quick, quick -
write this down
before I have another nervous breakdown.
Happy, happy.
Yes I am
despite my severe drought of friends,
despite my sick, sad lack of plans.
Feeling the contours of my own skin.
Blankets high and my mind
on the mend.
And do not call.
Don't pick up the phone at all.
I'm trying to be real.
I'm trying to break sand
with the side of my hand.
So now I will
go for a walk,
brush my teeth - no time to talk.
Busy, busy.
Yes I am.
When I get home I'm getting in
the car, driving to Allendale
to change the strings on my holy grail -
my new guitar. I'll hoist the sails.
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12. |
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Do you realize every time you argue
you are just igniting a part of you that's in me?
And for a man so at peace
you sure seem to have more dissonance inside than you're willing to confront.
This is probably a rift that will exist forever.
And I say that because it has.
You always fuck up my last word by overlapping it with your own.
This in itself is a waste of ink, waste of breath.
We don't have that many days left...
So I'd rather read Flowers for Algernon
or watch Bill Moyers on TV
or listen to '52 Weeks' in its entirety.
I could OD on Chloraseptic with a throat this sore
but keeping quiet while listening to accusations is such a chore.
And I say that because it is.
So this morning I'm holding in my venom and telling my ego to go back to bed.
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13. |
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Yesterday it snowed all day.
I stayed home playing video games.
I did my best not to care at all.
I was playing Madden 13 - football.
Had the pleasure of sleeping late -
I was up all night, I was riding the trains
from NJTransit to MTA.
I got a contact high just to come down again
And now
it's all ice outside,
but the fire in my heart
will never subside.
I am sitting on my bed
still in my pajamas and I'm chewing my pick.
Well, welcome to postgrad life
while I sit here thinkin' what to do today, tonight.
My mom and my brother went to church
and I glance at my books wonderin' what could be worse:
An uninformed life or a million unanswered questions?
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14. |
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Fresh out the shower
Feel half sweet, half sour
Try to navigate the stream, keeping tabs on the in between.
Tossing and turning, but dreaming so deep.
Yesterday’s fast-paced adventures in
New York City
made me feel so young and free.
Jess was with me.
We went uptown, the museum was beckoning.
We pondered African art, the grandeur of sculpture,
and Egyptian temples and tombs.
Went to grab coffee and talked about our dreams
and how sometimes we can’t tell if we’re awake
or just asleep,
And there’s a borderline suffocation
that consumes us both.
It feels like a darkness is sucking out our souls.
Tossing and turning, but dreaming so deep.
We went uptown, the museum was beckoning.
After overpaying the city a collective $10
and taking the E train towards Long Island City
we recovered to board the 9:01 Trenton-bound,
placing both our tickets on the seat in front of me.
Watching the moon,
the Empire State painted green,
to go along with the two
passed out
drunk 20-somethings snoring loudly in their seats.
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15. |
50/50/50 (2 PM)
01:30
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Golden Girls makes everything better and it's lonely days like these I don't mind
that TV saves me...
I am in between commercials, deleting email, pretending I'm busy.
Life in monochrome and I listen to the rain fall.
Mail's here. I heard the metal of the box squeak and shut,
but there'll be no letters for me, no packages.
I will get up to retrieve the rest.
It's probably all soaking wet.
Tune into life in color tomorrow, when the sun's out.
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16. |
Forever Alone (3 PM)
04:15
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I tossed and turned in my bed
to see what my yearly horoscope said.
My spirits took a deep dive and hid when I read
that this time next year I could be happily wed.
Pray to the gods that this isn't true.
What's a half a year? I haven't even met you.
I am scared, unprepared. I can't say "I do".
I have sworn off love to stay attached to my youth.
Good things come to those who wait...
(I got what I want. Oh, I hope this is a metaphor!)
I have to let go and not dwell on thought...
(2014 will surely be the death of me)
Cuz -
You are
my deepest fear
and you are
my weakest link
and you are
my unknown.
Can't I just live my life forever alone?
I don't like feeling left out
but the universe don't speak English, just a few vowels.
I will try to see the positive and not feel so goddamn down,
but this uncharted terrain makes me cringe at the sound.
Could I possibly fall that hard?
Or will I turn neurotic and reopen my scars?
Life is short in which we play no small parts but
if I don't protect it, who will guard my heart?
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17. |
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I don't want to press "send" or talk to you again
after I convince myself to follow through.
It's me, not you...
I think you'll laugh at my feeble attempts
so much that I'll shrivel up inside,
trying to decide what to do with my life...
A common theme - It's raining
on the East Coast but I keep
glancing at the clock,
anticipating a 3 hour change.
And I can't leave the house, no I can't leave the house.
An important phone call could be coming my way,
an important phone call could be coming my way.
I'm gonna have to leave, leave soon.
I'm gonna have to split so I can drown in my free time
and choke on it.
Breathing recycled air
as if I were
on a spaceship,
as if I were immune to headaches.
Crossing my fingers.
I hope this one works out right.
A common theme - It's raining
on the East Coast but I keep
glancing at the clock,
anticipating a 3 hour change.
And I can't leave the house, no I can't leave the house.
An important phone call could be coming my way,
an important phone call could be coming my way,
an important phone call could be coming my way.
It actually was supposed to come yesterday...
Speed up, slow down.
Small city, big town.
Dreamt you were outside my house.
It was like daytime with the lights out.
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18. |
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24/7 #10
5PM
Written: Friday, March 7, 2014
Released: Friday, March 14, 2014
For more information on my 24/7 project, visit here: roeknowsbest.wordpress.com/twentyfourseven/
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19. |
Deal With It (6 PM)
03:54
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You don't know how good you have it
Don't have to bleed, keep it sown up tight.
Pinpricks on my eyelids, dying white
to make a shade of pink overnight.
And I deal with it.
And I deal with it.
Oh! But it hurts.
It never ever felt good
Bring on the heat.
Everything numb, everything should.
Rain's gonna fall, rain's gonna fall.
Rain's gonna fall, but the flower won't grow until I say so.
Rain's gonna fall.
Skipping pain collage.
First two days in fog.
Punching all night, punching all night
'til there's red ink all down your thighs...
Don't be late.
Shine like the moon,
roll like the wave.
In a week I'll be saved.
In a week I'll be saved.
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20. |
Outspoken #1 (7 PM)
01:58
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I hear the creaking of my sinuses in my nasal cavity
and I want everything to just disappear.
Hop a plane to Las Vegas.
I may in a month.
Things are getting exciting.
And I just wanna scrap the whole thing,
but I'm a stickler to finish what I start.
This song is about nothing again (or maybe everything)
I'll figure it out later - probably.
How can I get anywhere when my hands sweat on my sweater?
You used to hold them close before you denied being in love with me.
And they say don't apologize. But I'm so sorry this sucks!
It isn't what I expected.
Crying like a child to afternoon movies.
Water came out my eyes and rolled into Kleenex.
Not the first or the last time, not the first or the last time...
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21. |
Pen Over Pencil (8 PM)
04:02
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Everyone's dying lately.
Must be some new trend
I'll prob'ly pick up on when it's all out of fashion.
Spent a weekend in Canada,
learned a little French,
but don't ask me to speak it;
I'm still too embarrassed.
Sorry this is taking so long...
I guess I fell out of touch
falling into TV and daydreams and job search and home life.
Despite my latest shortcomings
I could never not be existential,
and I know that's a double negative
but I won't cross it out -
I chose pen over pencil
because I like when things are permanent.
They seem to have a glow.
It's the uncertainty that wraps me up in a chokehold.
But I'm getting better.
Must be some new kick.
It's all cuz of 'Daybreak'; I absorb the positive.
Haven't lost my temper in awhile.
I learned to breathe out and in.
Swelling emotions mean I'm only human.
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22. |
To Brian (9 PM)
03:59
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Driving home with a headache on the Parkway.
Trying to keep my eyes on the road, but
I'd much rather stare at the bruised sunset.
It was like someone had beat up the sky -
yellow, black, and blue clouds.
I wanted to put my forehead on the wheel...and close my eyes.
It was nice to meet you today.
I think that it was supposed to happen.
Glad to have come all of this way to shake your hand and talk to you.
But I got this thing eating me in the back of my mind:
Of all the things I said to you did I
ever tell you my name?
Well, hello. My name is Roe.
This could be the beginning of a beautiful connection.
I'm waiting for the chain reaction
to put this into perspective.
I did not speak to any past acquaintance.
I was a ghost. Only corporeal to a select few...
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23. |
Nightmare Waltz (10 PM)
02:57
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You ripped out my heart
threw it into traffic and slammed it back to my chest
complete with tire marks and gravel.
Everything was going so well
'til I dosed you with some attitude -
You were getting in my way. I had my hands full with things to do.
Wouldn't shut up!
Pushed all my buttons like we were in an elevator with 80 floors.
Tried to calm you down!
Your disproportionate overreaction, narcissistic speech, and verbal abusive jabs -
they knocked out all my teeth.
And I'm a woman of my word - Irish Sicilian blood
and I think I'm a nice person
but you forced this tidal wave into flood.
Screamed and cursed obscenities
cuz you tried to get the best of me.
You're worn out asleep
and I'm still rattled and bleeding.
Turned me inside out, body beating like a drum.
So after I cursed you out and slammed the door, I started blasting 'Bubblegum'.
And I was texting Maria
acting like nothing was wrong.
I was talking online to Sean
coming down from a battle so strong,
while reading books and drinking tea
wondering if my anger will always get the best of me...
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24. |
Crazy Talk (11 PM)
01:19
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Standing in the cold
always gets old.
And standing in the sun
is never enough.
"To be or not to be?"
is the question I always found myself asking.
But now I know I am.
Now I know I am.
Hi there and hello,
I've come out of my shell
or at least someday soon I will.
Either you or I could testify to what it is to be alive.
Well, maybe if you just stood still.
Oh, maybe if you just stood still.
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